The One with Mrs. Bing
Transcribed by guineapig
[Pre-intro scene: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh my God. [Grabs Phoebe and turns her away] Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe: Where? [Turns to face him] Ooh, come to Momma.
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
[The guy walks past them]
Guy: Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe [unison]: Thanks.
[The guy walks on]
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Come on, do it.
Phoebe: Do it!
Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
Monica: [Shouts to the guy] Woo-woo!
[The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck]
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
[Scene 1: Hospital. The guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting]
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. [Bends down and talks to him] Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene 2: Mon+Rach's]
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! [Turns on the TV]
Jay Leno (TV): Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.
[Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler]
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime, HBL and Cinemax.
Rachel: No way, forget it.
Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch'.
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: Oh, please..
[Rachel opens the door to Paolo]
Paolo: Bona sera.
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. [They kiss]
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno (TV): ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing (TV): ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
Mrs. Bing (TV): ...I just get this craving for Kung Pao Chicken.
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno (TV): Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs. Bing (TV): Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno (TV): Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing (TV): Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
[The gang turn to look at Chandler]
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene 3: A montage of Mon+Pheebs' visits to the hospital, with 'My Guy' playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading Coma Guy a newspaper]
Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Monica: Waaay too special.
[Scene 4: A mexican restaurant. Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there]
Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... [Looks at Chandler's menu]
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pao Chicken.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Ross: [Entering] What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. [They both sit down] Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.
Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
Phoebe: I'm in.
Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
[Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered]
Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.
Ross: ...But a man can change. [Downs a shot]
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye]
Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
[Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand]
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone]
Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
[Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas']
Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. [A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one]
Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing: [To phone] Okay, thank you. [To Ross] It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.
Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
[She kisses him on the cheek]
[...Then full on the mouth]
Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
[Scene 5: Chandler and Joey's, morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown- it's Ross]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
[Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door]
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... [Joey shakes his head] Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
[Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper]
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. [Goes back inside and shuts the door]
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God, I- well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's-
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well- not in the same way...
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
[Mon+Rach's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge]
Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
[She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall]
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
[They kiss. Ross is watching them]
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
[Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment]
Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell him?
Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
Monica: [Entering] What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
[Scene 6: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons]
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?
Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
Phoebe: No. [Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction] No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! [Whips back the sheet]
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's place. Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... [He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him] I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler: [To Joey] You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.
Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler: [To Ross] I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
Ross: I know-
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. [Walks toward the door]
Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! [Leaves; slams the door]
Joey: [Shouting after him] Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! [To Ross] See what happens when you break the code?
Joey: Ah! [Points to door] Huh? [Leaves and slams the door]
[Scene 7: Central Perk- no Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up]
Monica: [Reading] 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: [Reads] Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe: [Walks up with her guitar] Hey Rach.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No, you?
Phoebe: No, you?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. [Plays a few chords] Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Rachel: Okay. [Writes a little more] I am so hot!
Joey: [To Ross, on the couch] Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel: [Into microphone] Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. [Monica gives her a look] 'Kay. [Sung:]
You don't have to be awake to be my man,
[She sees Monica sneaking out] Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! [Runs out, knocking over the mike stand]
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,
There's something I have got to say...
Rachel: [Into mike] Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a-
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? [Goes to the counter]
Joey: [Laughing] Mother-Kisser... [Sees Ross's look] I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
[People turn to look]
Ross: [To the rest of Central Perk] We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or [Points to Chandler] you can't? [Chandler grabs his finger] Okay, that's my finger. [Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee] That's, that's my knee. [To Central Perk] Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Cut to the hospital. Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy- his bed is empty]
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
[There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom]
Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica: You look good!
Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Monica: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.
Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
Monica: I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang. [To Monica] Hah!
Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: 'See you around'?
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, 'That was nice'? Admit something to me? 'I'll call you'?
Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and 'See you around'! Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
[Scene 8: Chandler and Joey's. Chandler is talking with his mom]
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. [Kisses him and goes to leave]
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing: [Reentering] O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to Joey listening at the door. Ross walks up]
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said 'When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?'
Joey: Then she came back with 'The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?'
Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say 'When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?'?
Joey: That makes more sense.
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! [Goes back to the door] I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. [Looks through the spyhole]
Ross: Whaddya see?
Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!
[Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Mon+Rach's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out]
Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing: Alright. [Kisses him]
Chandler: Nice save.
[She walks down the hall]
Ross: [Very politely] Mrs. Bing.
Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.
[Ross knocks on Mon+Rach's door]
Ross: You mean that?
Chandler: Yeah, why not. [They shake hands] So I told her.
Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? [Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down] But.. we don't have to go down that road.
[Credits Scene: Mon+Rach's. Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
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