The One With the Ick Factor
Transcribed by Mikael Hedberg
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.]
MONICA: Tell him.
PHOEBE: Tell him, tell him.
MONICA: Just...please tell him.
RACHEL: Shut up!
CHANDLER: Tell me what?
MONICA: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
RACHEL: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
PHOEBE: Doing it on this table. [points at the table]
JOEY: Excellent dream score.
ROSS: Why, why, why would you dream that?
CHANDLER: More importantly, was I any good?
RACHEL: Well, you were pretty damnedy good.
CHANDLER: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm always surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap]
RACHEL: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
ROSS: I love it, when we share.
[Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.]
CHANDLER: You're okay there?
ROSS: I can 't belive you two had sex in her dream.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was somebody else's subconscious.
[Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.]
CHANDLER: Hi Rachel.
RACHEL: Get off.
PHOEBE: [points at Joey's pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
JOEY: I don't know. What are you wearing?
[Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him]
ROSS: Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
PHOEBE: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
CHANDLER: Pirates again?
PHOEBE: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop". And they are.
JOEY: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.
PHOEBE: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
CHANDLER: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs reduced. Itīs a whole big boob story.
PHOEBE: I could be a secretary.
CHANDLER: Well, you know Phoebs. I donīt know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
PHOEBE: I could do that.
[Ross' beeper goes off]
RACHEL: What are you playing with?
ROSS: Oh, it's my new beeper.
JOEY: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
MONICA: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'
ROSS: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
CHANDLER: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
MONICA: Alright, I'll see you guys later. [stands up]
RACHEL: Off to see young Ethan?
MONICA: Thank you.
JOEY: How young is young Ethan? Young?
MONICA: He's... our age.
CHANDLER: When we were?
MONICA: Okay, he's a senior in college.
CHANDLER: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
MONICA: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
MONICA: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
PHOEBE: Well, maybe 25-26.
MONICA: I am 26.
PHOEBE: There you go.
[Scene: Chandler's office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]
CHANDLER: Can you hear that?
PHOEBE: [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah?
CHANDLER: See Thatīll stop when you pick up the phone.
PHOEBE: Oh. Uh, I'm on. [picks up the phone]
PHOEBE: [with a deep voice] Mr. Bing's office. No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
CHANDLER: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
PHOEBE: Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
PHOEBE: Ross says hi.
PHOEBE: This is so fun. Alright, what do we do now?
CHANDLER: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
PHOEBE: Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
PHOEBE: Alright. Bye bye.
CHANDLER: Bye bye.
[The intercom buzzes]
PHOEBE: Whatcha doin'?
CHANDLER: Ooh. [leans against the desk]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. It's just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]
MONICA: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's too tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control?
RACHEL: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
RACHEL: Could tonight be The Night?
MONICA: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.
RACHEL: So, did you shave your legs?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
JOEY: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...
[Ross' beeper goes off]
ROSS: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.
JOEY: Alright, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
[Ross dials a number on his cellular phone]
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, Andre is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.
JOEY: Services? Oh, services.
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, believe me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye.
[Phoebe and Chandler enter]
JOEY: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
PHOEBE: Oh, excellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
CHANDLER: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me.
PHOEBE: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
CHANDLER: Why not?
PHOEBE: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.
PHOEBE: I thought you knew that.
CHANDLER: Noho. Who doesn't like me?
PHOEBE: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
CHANDLER: What are you talking about?
PHOEBE: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
[Joey and Ross laugh]
CHANDLER: I can't believe it.
PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
CHANDLER: They do me?
PHOEBE: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report BE any later?'
[Joey and Ross laugh]
CHANDLER: I don't sound like that.
ROSS: Oh, oh Chandler...
JOEY: Oh... Yeah, you do.
ROSS: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh]
JOEY: [reaches for his scones] My scones.
PHOEBE, JOEY & ROSS: 'My scones.'
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh again]
CHANDLER: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
CHANDLER: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting on the couch.]
MONICA: Did not.
ETHAN: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
MONICA: How was that possible?
ETHAN: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' You know, I just kept thinking: why do people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go.
MONICA: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...
ETHAN: Yeah, I'd really like that.
ETHAN: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.
MONICA: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat'?
ETHAN: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...
MONICA: Are you a virgin?
ETHAN: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.
ETHAN: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]
MONICA: You keep saying that.
ETHAN: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
MONICA: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
ETHAN: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.
MONICA: No no. Nothing wrong about that.
MONICA: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.
MONICA: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
ETHAN: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.
MONICA: You're not a senior?
ETHAN: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
MONICA: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
ETHAN: I just had sex.
MONICA: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
ETHAN: Well, you never told me how old you were.
MONICA: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
ETHAN: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'--
MONICA: Donīt say it. [closes Ethan's mouth with her hand]
ETHAN: --in love with you.
ETHAN: [nods] Sorry.
MONICA: Well, fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.]
ROSS: [on phone] Okay, Andre should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
RACHEL: No, forget it.
CHANDLER: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
RACHEL: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully] Joey was there too.
JOEY: All right.
ROSS: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.
ROSS: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
RACHEL: No, it was just the three of us.
JOEY: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
RACHEL: He, he, he. You know what?
RACHEL: There were times when it wasn't even me.
[Chandler and Joey laugh, until they look at each other]
PHOEBE: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]
[Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say]
ROSS, RACHEL & PHOEBE: Hey, Mon.
RACHEL: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
ALL: [shouting] Mon!
[Monica takes off her walkman]
RACHEL: Ethan called again.
ROSS: Are you not seeing him anymore?
MONICA: No. You know, sometimes things just don't work out.
CHANDLER: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
[Monica stares at Rachel]
RACHEL: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear.
JOEY: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
ROSS: Oh, yeah.
MONICA: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
JOEY, CHANDLER & ROSS: Sorry.
ROSS: It's morphin' time!
[They all cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]
PHOEBE: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool!
RACHEL: Where are you going?
PHOEBE: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.
CHANDLER: Work people? Nobody told me.
PHOEBE: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
CHANDLER: You know, I don't get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
PHOEBE: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
CHANDLER: You think I should?
PHOEBE: I really do, yeah.
PHOEBE: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
[Scene: Chandler's office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]
CHANDLER: I think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing "Ebony and Ivory".
PHOEBE: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
PHOEBE: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss", "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss", "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing"
CHANDLER: Then, I don't get it.
PHOEBE: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
CHANDLER: They do?
PHOEBE: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
CHANDLER: I just want to--
PHOEBE: No, but you can't.
CHANDLER: But I just wa--
PHOEBE: Uh uh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross' beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]
MONICA: Aren't you gonna--
ROSS: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
JOEY: What about Andre?
ROSS: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
MONICA: That was gonna be my opener.
RACHEL: [understands that Monica and Ethan want to be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom?
ROSS: I thought that was just a rumour.
RACHEL: True story.
JOEY: They're here already?
[Rachel, Ross and Joey go to the bathroom]
ETHAN: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vulnerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay I have no frame of reference, but I thought that was great.
MONICA: It was.
ETHAN: Then, whatīs the problem?
MONICA: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
ETHAN: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
MONICA: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really--
ETHAN: No, don't say it. [closes Monica's mouth with his hand]
MONICA: --love you.
[Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.]
ROSS: Are you're hands still wet?
JOEY: Uh, moist, yeah.
RACHEL: Let's dry 'em again.
[They go to the bathroom again]
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enter, and overhear some employees' conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]
GERSTON: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler.
SANTOS: Hello, Mr. Bing.
PETRIE: Loved your "Stevie Wonder" last night.
CHANDLER: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.
GERSTON: No problem.
[They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler]
CHANDLER: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
CHANDLER: Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebody's gonna be working this weekend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
RACHEL: [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross.
[Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips almost immediately, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.]
ROSS: I'm here.
RACHEL: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...
ROSS: What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now I'm having a baby.
ROSS: Ooh, Ooh.
ROSS: I'm having... I'm having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
RACHEL: I don't know where the phone is.
[Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor]
ROSS: I'm hurt.
[Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]
ROSS: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
[Chandler struts out from his apartment]
CHANDLER: Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.
ROSS: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
[Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands]
ROSS: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
RACHEL: What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.
ROSS: Joey, get out of the fridge.
JOEY: All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand]
ROSS: What is that? [refering to the sandwich]
JOEY: For the ride.
CHANDLER: Yeah, like in a cab--
ROSS: Save it.
CHANDLER: Okay, hating this.
ROSS: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.
[Monica enters from their apartment, crying]
MONICA: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.
ROSS: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.
JOEY: All right, I'm going. I'm going.
[They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like he's in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.]
CHANDLER: Here we go, here we go.
RACHEL: Rossy, Rossy.
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