The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister
Transcribed by Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
Ross: Real magic does exist.
Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
Joey: I canít tell you that, no.
(We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
Ross: Ah, somebodyís at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel: Noo, thatís our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
Phoebe: Why donít you go up there and ask him to Ďstep lightly, please?í
Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) Iíll go up there, Iíll tell him to keep it down.
Monica: All right, be my guest.
Rachel: Good luck.
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, Iíll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didnít see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, Iíll slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
All: Oh, I got it.
(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)
Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (the rest is unintelligible).
Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little noose at the end?
Monica: Honey, whatís the matter?
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kidís pretzel at them.
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
Ross: Hey Chandler, thereís a party tomorrow, youíll feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, Iím gonna be okay, you donít have to throw a party for me.
Monica: Itís Joeyís birthday.
Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.
(We hear Phoebeís muffled voice through the ceiling.)
Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, itís supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachelís new job.]
Mr. Kaplan: (entering) Howís that coffee comin,í dear?
Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan: Iím not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
Rachel: I know!
Mr. Kaplan: Iíll bet you're thinking, ĎWhatís an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?í Eh?
Mr. Kaplan: Eh.
Rachel: Oh, you got me.
Mr. Kaplan: Well, donít think I havenít noticed your potential. Well, Iíve got a project for you thatís a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound?
Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.
Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet)
Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that itís full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) Youíre welcome.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
Monica: I know honey, Iím sorry.
Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because itís remotely related to the field theyíre interested in.
Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I donít know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!
Rachel: Oh honey, come on, Iím sorry, I didnít.... I donít mind paying my dues, y'know, it's just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
Guy: Iím sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again)
Rachel: Itís not funny, this is actually my job.
Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-Iíve been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Rachel: Oh well then, so Iím just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Guy: Ah, just one other thing.
Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdaleís and I might know of a job possibility if you're, if you're interested?
Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, itís Joeyís party.]
Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean youíre going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?
Phoebe: Well, heís very charming.
Monica: I know, heís too charming, but if you two start going out, then itís just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.
Phoebe: Well, youíre just gonna have to try.
Monica: Joey, where are the Jello shots?
Joey: I donít know, Chandler is supposed to be passiní Ďem around...
(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shots.)
Ross: Oh, somebodyís feeling better.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and itís a horrible shade of green.)
Monica: Oh my!!
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
Chandler: Yeah, Jello just like Mom used to make.
Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
Rachel: Hi! So Iím out having lunch at Monicaís and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdaleís and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and heís gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
Rachel: I know!
Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
Ross: And heís, heís a total stranger?
Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
Ross: Well, Iím just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.
Rachel: To be nice.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
Rachel: I didnít have to, because I was wearing my ĎI heart Rossí sandwich board and ringing my bell.
Joeyís Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joeyís sisters.
Chandler: Hi Joeyís sisters!
Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkiní over here.
Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.
Cookie: No kiddin,í thatís the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I donít know how to talk to you.
(cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What Ďcha doing?
Chandler: Oh, Iím taking my ex-girlfriend off my speed dialer.
Joeyís Sisters: Oh!!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, itís a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why canít we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joeyís sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
(Cut to Ross and Monica)
Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.
Monica: Isnít that great?
Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy.
Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, ĎHummina-hummina-hummina.í (walks away)
Ross: Thatís excellent.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: (to Rachel) So, heís just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesnít want anything in exchange for helping him?
Rachel: Well, I assume Iíll have to take showers with him, but y'know, thatís true of any job.
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
Monica: How ya feeliní?
Chandler: Well, my apartment isnít there anymore, because I drank it.
Phoebe: Whereíd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
All: Woooo hoooo!!!
Chandler: Ow, no Ďwoo-hooing,í no Ďwoo-hooing.í
Phoebe: Why, what happened?
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joeyís sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, thatís not the worst part.
Monica: What is the worse part?
Chandler: I canít remember which sister.
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Donít tell me men are nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, heís actually going to kill you dead.
Chandler: Okay! You donít think I thought of that?
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean thatís unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, thatís Dina.
Chandler: (to Monica) You see you canít tell which one is which either, dwha!!
Phoebe: We didnít fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!
Chandler: Veronica. Look, itís got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.
Chandler: Look, when Iíve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and Iím sorry.
Monica: Thatís okay.
Rachel: Thatís all right.
Ross: Thatís okay.
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Chandler: Why canít we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
Ross: Ah, which, which one?
Monica: Y'know which one was she again?
Joey: Why donít you ask Chandler, Ďcause heís the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettiní over Janice by groping my sister.
Chandler: Itís gotta be the first one.
Joey: Really? Thatís great! You and my sister, sittiní in a tree.
Chandler: Yep, Iím in a tree.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
Monica: No honey, Iím sorry, but the weekendís not over yet.
Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
Monica: I guess theyíre back from their date.
(He starts to play music.)
Rachel: Music. Very nice.
(We hear them start making out upstairs.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Rachel: So, how are you?
Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, whatís it about?
Monica: I donít remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. Howís it going. This is the hardest letter Iíve ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hellís a matter with you? How do you think Joeyís going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
Chandler: Well, thatís the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually Iíll be in Cuba.
Ross: All right, look, look, youíve got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Ross: Where in Cuba?
[Scene: Joeyís sisterís house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]
Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
Chandler: Iím here to see Mary-Angela.
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, Ďcause my Grandma doesnít know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler: Whereís Mary-Angela?
Joey: Sheís right in there. (motions to the living room)
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joeyís sisters, all wearing red.)
Joeyís Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: I canít believe Mark didnít call. Itís Sunday night, and he didnít call.
Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, youíre practically giddy.
Ross: No, Iím genuinely sorry the Mark thing didnít work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.
Monica: Wait a minute, why donít you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, youíve got to make stuff happen.
Ross: But, you, you donít want to seem too pushy.
Monica: (to Ross) Honey, itís not pushy, he gave her his home number.
Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home?
Rachel: Yeah, and you donít mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.
Ross: Thatís right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, itís Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, donít you apologize. (listens) Yeah, Iíll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
Ross: That is so made up!
Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, itís perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview!
Ross: There you go.
Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it.
Monica: Oh, that is amazing!
Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, Iíd expect nothing less.
Rachel: I got to figure out what Iím going to wear.
Ross: High collar and baggy pants say Iím a pro.
Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, Iíll see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo!
Ross: You go get Ďem. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Ross: ĎWhy donít you call him?!í Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!
Monica: Are you crazy?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isnít even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if youíre right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
Monica: I mean donít you trust her?
Ross: Well, yeah!
Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!
Ross: (shyly) You grow up.
[Scene: Joeyís sisterís house, theyíre finishing up dinner.]
Chandler: This tiramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?
Joeyís Grandmother: No! I did!
Chandler: Well, itís, itís yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?
Joeyís Grandmother: Of course! Itís her favorite.
Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, whatís your second favorite?
Joeyís Grandmother: More of Grandmaís tiramisu.
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the recipe Ďcause this is great. Itís top notch.
Joeyís Grandmother: That dies with me.
Chandler: So will I.
Joeyís Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesnít mean anything.
Joeyís Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)
[cut to the hall, Joeyís sister runs up and grabs Chandlerís butt.]
Chandler: (startled) Hey!
Joeyís Sister: Finally, I thought weíd never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Iím not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Joeyís Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.
Chandler: Ahhhh, youíre not Mary-Angela.
Joeyís Sister: No, Iím Mary-Theresa.
Chandler: This is so bad. If-if youíre not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?
Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!
Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesnít see Mary-Angela)
Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Donít Joey! Joey!
Joey: Whatís goiní on?
Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) Youíre it! Now run and hide!
Mary-Theresa: Itís no big deal. Chandler was just kissiní me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.
Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?
Chandler: I wasnít sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joeyís sisters gasp) Look, Iím sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.
Joeyís Sister: I say, punch him Joey.
All: Yeah! Punch him!!
Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brotherís not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?
Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought youíd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!
Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, youíre my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.
Cookie: So what. I say, punch him.
All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!
Joey: No! No! No! No, Iím not going to punch Chandler.
Cookie: Iíll do it.
Joey: No you wonít. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, heís sorry. But, (to Chandler) youíve got one more apology to make, all right, youíve got to apologize to Mary-Angela.
Chandler: Okay, absolutely!
Joey: All right.
Chandler: Youíve got it. (he starts to look at Joey's sisters, but he still doesnít know which one is Mary-Angela.)
Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!
Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him)
[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.]
Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower)
Ross: Hi. (kisses her)
Ross: Howíd did it go?
Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldnít shut up.
Ross: Iím so proud of you.
Rachel: Me too!
Ross: Listen, Iím ah, Iím sorry Iíve been so crazy and jealous and, itís just that I like you a lot, so...
Rachel: I know.
Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congradu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there.]
Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs)
Monica: Yeah, I do know.
Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Phoebe: Oh, Iím sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.
(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.)
Ross: Maybe heís just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?
(We hear a women start moaning.)
Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?
Joey: All right, thatís it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
Ross: Ah, weíll all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave)
Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you.
Chandler: Donít worry.
Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass!
Rachel: Honey, Iím sorry.
Monica: Y'know if itís any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement)
(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.)
Guy: (muffled) May I help you?
(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)
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