The One With the Tiny T-shirt
Transcribed by Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Rachel: Thank you.
Gunther: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if youíd like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, too out there. Maybe youíd just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.
Mark: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! All right, letís go shoppiní!!
Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, thereís something I need to say.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Mark: Iíve kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didnít do anything about it. But, now that youíre not, Iíd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so thatís-thatís what Iím doing, now.
(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)
Rachel: Wow! Umm....
(Sheís interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of breaking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
Gunther: I dropped a cup.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Pete: ...so y'know, thatís why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, ĎWash my car.í ĎClean my room.í Itís not gonna be able to do any of those things, but itíll understand what youíre saying.
Monica: Oh, this is so great.
Pete: Yeah, it was.
Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.
All: Hi! Hello!
Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies!
Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.
Ross: Hey, howíd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
Monica: Heís great! I mean we have such a good time together! Heís so funny, and sooo sweet, and Iím not attracted to him at all!!
Monica: Noo!! Itís driving me crazy. I mean every other way heís like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?
Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)
Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
[Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play heís in.]
The Director: Joe. Howís it going?
Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.
Joey: Oh, so youíre playing Adrienne, huh?
Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. Iím Joey Tribianni.
Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
Joey: So the ah, playís pretty great, huh?
Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murrayís work. Sheís so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.
Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!
Kate: Where do I know you from?
Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
Kate: No, thatís not it. So, youíre a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?
Joey: Hey, Iíve done plays before. Iím a serious actor.
Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! Youíre-youíre-youíre the guy that doesnít know how to pour milk!!
Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldnít. Now, see, thatís acting.
Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
Joey: Yeah, that was real.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.]
Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.
Rachel: I know.
Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him?
Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but Iím gonna tell him no.
(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
Rachel: I mean I think Iíd say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean Iím standing there with this charming, cute guy, whoís asking me to go out with him, which Iím allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like Iíd be cheating on Ross or something.
Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, youíre not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.
Rachel: I donít have any issues with my father.
Phoebe: Okay, so itís probably just the Ross thing then.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.]
Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I canít do it, theyíre all like-like laughing at me.
Ross: (entering) Hello.
Chandler and Joey: Hey!
Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.
Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?
Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realizes that life without me.... a-sucks.
Chandler: Itís possible. You are very loveable, Iíd miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.
Ross: Then be supportive like a guy.
Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, Iíd miss you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]
Ross: You ah, wanted to see me?
Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, hereís a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)
Rachel: Oh, y'know, itís just like hats, and a shirt, and CDís, just sort of stuff that youíve left here.
Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?
Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know itís time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean donít you think?
Ross: Yes, I do.
Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!
Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.
Ross: Itís still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!
Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! Iíll keep the mug.
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know donít do me any favors. In fact, where, whereís the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? Iíd like that back too. Yes, I do.
Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt!
Ross: Iím just trying to help you, move on.
Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....
Rachel: Petty... (goes into her room)
Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)
Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite.
Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!
Ross: Iím-Iím gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt)
Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesnít even fit you anymore!
Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!
Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. Itís an old ĎFrankie says relaxí T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you donít mind Iím gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favorite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]
Phoebe: So, youíre like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)
Chandler: And youíre our age. Youíre our age.
Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.
Pete: What like Pete Dakota?
Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
Chandler: Thatís not a state Joe.
Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?
Pete: I got to go, so ah, Iíll see you guys later.
Chandler: Youíre our age!
Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?
Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, Iím running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where thereís no future? Either theyíre too old, or theyíre too young, and then thereís Pete whoís-whoís crazy about me, and whoís absolutely perfect for me, and thereís like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like somethingís wrong with me?!
Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]
Kate: Happy?! Is that what Iím supposed to be Vic? Happy?
Joey: Well, why donít you tell me what youíre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell canít figure it out! I talk to you and nothiní. You look at me, and itís nothiní. (He kisses her) Nothing.
The Director: Tasty! Iím really starting to feel like you guys have a history, itís-itís nice.
Kate: I have a question about this scene.
The Director: Yes?
Kate: Well, I donít understand why Adrienneís attracted to Victor.
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, heís good looking.
Kate: I think my characterís gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, itís says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I donít know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that youíre a bitch.
Kate: It doesnít say that in the script.
Joey: It does in mine!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]
Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesnít matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. Itís so annoying. Does it bug you?
Ross: You bug me.
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
Chandler: Is there any chance you didnít see that?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole.]
Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You canít just stare through the peep hole for three hours! Youíre gonna get peep eye!
Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, sheíd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
Chandler: You didnít just break up.
Ross: Hey, itís been like three weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!
Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, Iím gonna kill myself, I swear. I canít, I canít watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, sheís going in.
Ross: Sheís going in. Wait! Heís going in! Heís going in!! The doorís closed! I, I canít see anything but the door closed!!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!
Chandler: Stop what?!
Ross: I donít know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. Iíll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)
Chandler: No!! You canít!!
Ross: Look, they must be stopped!
Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!
Ross: I need juice! People need juice!!
Chandler: Look man!
Ross: People need juice!
Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)
Ross: Juice, I need...
Chandler: Sheís moving on! Okay, if itís not this guy, itís gonna be somebody else! And unless youíre thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? Itís over.
Ross: Yeah, okay.
Ross: Itís just I miss her so much.
Chandler: I know. (He rubs Rossís head)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.]
Mark: Why do all youíre coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
Rachel: Oh. Thatís so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ĎWhereís number 27?!í
(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesnít react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
Rachel: Y'know what?
Mark: No. And I donít think Iím gonna want to.
Rachel: I canít do this.
Mark: Yep. Yep, thatís what I didnít want to know.
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, Iím doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? Iím just doing it to get back at Ross. Iím sorry, itís not very fair to you.
Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
Rachel: Oh God. Iím sorry about this.
Mark: Thatís okay.
Rachel: You sure?
Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
[Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.]
Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size...
Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?
Pete: Where are we?
Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, Iím gonna say, midget rodeo.
Pete: Just tell me the truth.
Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I donít think, I donít think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship.
Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasnít that like a year ago?
Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isnít the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now Iím just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean?
Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.
Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you.
Pete: But youíre not. Okay, good.
Monica: Iím sorry.
Pete: Y'know what, donít be. This is not, donít be, Ďcause itís not so bad.
Monica: Itís not?
Pete: I know Iím no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who you find attractive, Iím just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently.
Monica: Well, um, look I-I donít want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasnít attracted too.
Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isnítí it? Well listen letís, you wanna get something to eat? ĎCause this place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave)
Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
Pete: (to Monica) One second.
(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, poses for the picture, and leaves.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.]
Chandler: I donít think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)
Chandler: (to Joey) I wasnít doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks sheís like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, ĎOh, Iím so talented.í and ĎOh, Iím so pretty,í and ĎOoh, I smell so good.í
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?
Chandler: Iím talking about you. You big, big freak.
Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, youíre out of your mind.
Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard youíd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!
Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]
Kate: Happy?! Is that what Iím supposed to be Vic? Happy?
Joey: Well, why donít you tell me what youíre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell canít figure it out! I talk to you and itís nothiní. You look at me, and nothiní. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, weíre gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Kate: Well, that was ah...
Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. Gínight.
Joey: Ah, Kate?
Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes.
Kate: (she giggles) Iím probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some more)
Joey: Hey, listen you ah....
Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
Kate: So umm, Iíll see you tomorrow, huh?
Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isnít it Spiderman? Yíknow like Goldman, Silverman...
Chandler: ĎCause itís-itís not his last name.
Phoebe: It isnít?
Chandler: No, itís not like, like Phil Spiderman. Heís a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but thereís no Gold Man.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work?
Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasnít a chair.
Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.
Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. Iím just gonna throw it out, itís probably just a bunch of shampoo and... (she opens the box and stops)
Monica: Something wrong?
Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.]
Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?
Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold.
Chandler: What about things that are already gold?
Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done.
Chandler: Okay, letís play my game now.
Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned gun fight.)
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