[Scene: Rachels bedroom; Rachel is awakened by a man singing in the next apartment.]
The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Mornings here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the mornings here! The mornings here!
Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? Its Saturday!
The Singing Man: Oh come on! Mornings here! (Starts singing) Mornings here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)
Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Mornings here! Morning is here
Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.
Rachel: Monica, you dont even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
Monica: Yknow what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!
Rachel: Im sorry. Im so sorry.
Joey: See, this is a great apartment.
Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!
[Scene: Rosss bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]
Emily: Oh, blimey, I still cant believe youve got an earring!
(Yep, its a little gold loop.)
Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like hes jamming.)
Emily: He does that?!
Ross: Uh, I dont know, whatever.
Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.
Ross: Oh, I know. Yknow what, I never wouldve gotten this if it werent for you. No really, when Im with you Im-Im like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
Emily: I love both of you!
Emily: I wish I didnt have to go.
Ross: Then dont. Stay here. Just dont go so soon to London, just one more day.
Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross: One more day, seriously/
Emily: Dont do this to me, again. Youd know Id stay here in a minute, but Id really miss so much work, theyll fire me.
Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.
Emily: I wish I could.
Ross: Oh no. Dont, dont, dont start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)
Emily: I dont think you understand packing. Look, I just dont want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.
Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
Emily: You didnt!
Ross: No. No, I didnt. I didnt want to be that guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Phoebe: Excuse me.
Chandler: Your pants!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesnt get it.) Santa Clauss pants.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! Theyre maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists whos been naughty and whos been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: SoHey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?
Phoebe: I dont know! How are the-the-the-the, yknowYoure clothes arent funny.
Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?
Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I dont belong here."
Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dads season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.
Monica: Yeah, apparently, theyre pretty good seats.
Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!
Rachel: Do you guys want these?
Chandler: Yeah we do!
Rachel: Ohh, well you got em.
Both: All right!
Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
Phoebe: Boy! I didnt see that coming!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.
Monica: Yeah, what, do you think were stupid?
Joey: Youre not stupid. Youre meaner than I thought.
Monica: What do you say?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!
Rachel: Youre bachelor pad?!
Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?
Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
Joey: Yeah, you do!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]
Joey: Come on!
Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?
Gunther: Good one.
Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up the apartment.
Joey: Oh comelook, when I was a kid my dads company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasnt in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: We dont make enough fun of you already?
Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and thats what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
Joey: Oh-no, dont try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.
Chandler: Where is Emily?
Ross: Ugh, shes saying good-bye to her uncle.
Chandler: Man, didnt she like just get here?
Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!
Chandler: Easy tiger.
Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, its-its so great. But at the same time Im thinking, "Well, Im gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Ross: Nothing! Theres nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-shed have to uh, move here. She should move here!
Ross: I could ask her to live with me!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!
Chandler: Because youve only known her for six weeks! Okay, Ive got a carton of milk in my fridge Ive had a longer relationship with!
Ross: Look guys, when Im with her its-its-its like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, yknow?
Chandler: And I love the milk! But, Im not gonna ask some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
Joey: All right look, Ross, hes right. Emilys great, shes great! But this is way too soon, youre only gonna scare her!
Ross: I dont want to do that.
Joey: No! You dont want to wreck it, you dont want to go too fast!
Ross: Yeah, no, youre right, I know, youre right, Im not, Im not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]
Phoebe: Thats too hard. Too hard!
Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!
Rachel: Or Ill give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, lets trade! The timings perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we cant live in the small apartment after weve lived here! Didnt you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
Joey: Yes! Didnt you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didnt read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: Its the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Chandler: I didnt mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?
Chandler: No. No. Were not gonna do that, yknow why? Because its not an even trade.
Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?
Rachel: Let me finish.
Rachel: Im talking about a bet, winner takes all.
Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.
Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.
Joey: Ooh, I like that.
Monica: All right, so what do you say?
Monica: Oh, just do it!!
Chandler: Op, op, Im convinced!
Joey: Come on man, you know Id do it for you! Because, youre my best friend.
Chandler: All right, but you cant use that again for a whole year. Im in.
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?
Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because shes the only whos impartial, and shes so pretty.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, oohoh, I have a game!
Phoebe: This is great!
Joey: Whats the game?! Whats the game?!
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesnt have a nameoh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesnt have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
Monica: Theyre green?
Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.
(He looks to Chandler, who doesnt have a clue.)
Joey: Uhh, theyre tall.
Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didnt come up with the answer.)
Monica: Thats not even a game!
Rachel: What? Shut up! Were winning!
Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?
Chandler: Fine, lets do it.
Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!
Monica: Oh, good.
Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first.
Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.
Chandler: Thats a low one!
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I cant do it.
Phoebe: What makes you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
Monica: Because we won our apartment back!
Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
Phoebe: I dont know. Ooh! Ooh! Lookit! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Rachel: All right, cut, lets pick again, pick again.
Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!
Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as (picks a card) It worked! King!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!
Monica: I dont know!
Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) Thats courtside baby!
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
Chandler: No they didnt!
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]
Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.
Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.
Ross: Dont be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say its too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.
Emily: Ohh, I don't know. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.
Ross: I know.
Emily: My job!
Ross: Well, so, you-youll get a job here! I mean, Im always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!
Emily: Yeah, but it-it-its my whole lifeyou come to England.
Ross: No, I cant. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I cant leave him. Isntyou dont think theres any way?
Emily: Ohh, I dont think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future and-and-and we were getting married or something.
Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldnt have said married. Uh, please dont go freaky on me. I didnt mean it. Well, I didnt say it; I take it back!
Ross: No, no, dont. Why dont we?
Emily: Why dont we what?
Ross: Get married.
Emily: You are mad!
Ross: No! No! Im not! Its-its-its perfect! I mean its better than you just-just moving here, cause its us together forever, and thats-thats what I want.
Emily: Weve only known each other for six weeks!
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, whos-whos to say? Does that me we-we cant do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesnt it?
Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.
Ross: Is thatare you saying yes? Is that yes?
(They kiss and hug.)
Ross: Yes! Were getting married?!
Emily: Oh my God!
Emily: Were getting married!
Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
Emily: Ohh, its a bit small.
Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
Emily: It was.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]
Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Yknow, kinda like a peace offering.
Chandler: Oh yeah, thats very nice. Plus, yknow they were free and theyre too small.
(He knocks on the girls door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesnt even realise it.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
Chandler: I KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
Monica: Well discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
(Its Rachels turn to open the door.)
Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I dont feel good about it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)
Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
Monica: No, were not! Were not leaving!
Chandler: Well, youre gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, were switching it back! Theres nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I dont know.
Joey: I dont want to move again!
Chandler: I dont care, this is our apartment! And they stoleyou stoleour apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. Im getting back right now!
(They open the door.)
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You cant offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Chandler: Good night.
Joey: Good night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)
[Cut to the girls apartment.]
Monica: Men are such idiots.
Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?
Phoebe: Thats so funny to think if youd just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.
Monica: Yeah, let-let-lets pretend thats not true.
Phoebe: Okay, scarfs done. (Its not really a scarf, its just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.
Monica: What-whats going on?
Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
Ross: Uhh, okay, its uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.
(The gang is stunned.)
Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
Emily: Umm, no.
Monica: When, when didhow, how did you
Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
Emily: I mean, we know its a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so
(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)
Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys
Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachels reaction.) I think its great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, Im so happy for you!
(Seeing Rachels apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
Chandler: Oh, well, thats great!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah!
Monica: (to Ross) I cant believe youre getting married!
Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)
Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]
The Singing Man: (singing) Mornings here! The mornings here!
(Joey joins him.)
Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the mornings here!
The Singing Man: Hey! Youre back!
Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!
The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!
Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!
The Singing Man: Ill see you tomorrow morning!
Joey: (happily) Okay!