Summary of The One Where They All Turn Thirty

Written by TK

Rachel turns thirty and is extremely depressed about it, so her friends recount their thirtieth birthdays in order to comfort her.

Phoebe has a list of things she wants to accomplish by her thirtieth birthday, including riding one mile on a hippity-hop and making peace with her sister. She finishes her mile hippity-hopping and then brings the hippity-hop as a thirtieth birthday present for her twin sister, Ursula. Ursula informs her that they're actually thirty-one, and proves it by showing Phoebe her birth certificate that she got when their mother died. Phoebe is surprised to learn that Ursula's middle name is Pamela, but neither Ursula nor Phoebe can remember Phoebe's middle name, and Ursula sold off Phoebe's birth certificate so they can't look it up. Phoebe goes back to her friends, depressed that she hasn't accomplished all the things that she wanted to do by the time she was thirty-one, like meet a Portugese person or have the perfect kiss. Joey provides her with the perfect kiss, and then lets her know that he's one sixty-eighth Portugese.

Chandler plans a formal surprise party for Monica's thirtieth birthday, which all her friends and her parents attend. Monica shows up drunk because she was depressed at work so the busboys took her out for some drinks. Chandler tries hard to hide the fact that Monica is wasted from her parents, but when Phoebe insists on a speech from the birthday girl, Monica gets up, taunts her parents with her drunkeness, and then topples over onto the floor.

Ross buys a shiny red convertible sports car on his thirtieth birthday, but can't get it out of its very tight parking space. When the minivan in front of it finally moves and Ross can finally drive his new toy, an older, balding, fat man drives by in the exact same car. Ross looks at the other guy and realizes how stupid it was to get the car and decides to sell it.

Joey is mad at God for letting him get older.

Joey is mad at God for letting Chandler get older.

Rachel decides to make a plan for her life to make herself feel better. She decides she wants to have three kids, so she needs to have the first kid by the time she's thirty-five. That means she needs to get pregnant when she's thirty-four. Which means she needs to get married when she's thirty-three. Which means she needs to start planning the wedding when she's thirty-one and a half. Which means she should have met the guy she is going to marry by righ about... now. She looks at twenty-four-year-old Tag and realizes that she doesn't have time to just play around anymore so she dumps him.

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